Monday, March 24, 2014

I Battle Histrionic Personality Disorder

Experience ProjectAlrighty...  I was just recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and narcissistic and histrionic.. However you spell it. What I battle with most is being alone because eventually I'll find your weaknesses pretty quickly I'll know all your secrets and then if you hurt me once I will make you feel like you want to die ill make you feel like nothing. I have the wonderful capability of manipulation and I manipulate people to get what I want and I can change myself whoever I'm around I can be exactly who they want me to be. The biggest part I struggle with is that borderline personality disorder we somehow do not have this capability to find value in ourselves or love ourselves. So for me I try to find it through men and after many failed relationships, i'm in my late 20s and I've been married three times. Always with men who are either sociopaths emotionally abusive or physically abusive... I ever wonder will I ever love myself just because I love myself. Will this Always be impossible for me to do? When I love someone I love them hard and deep and fast but if they don't show me affection all the time don't text me withhold sex for me I will immediately go into the biggest depression and not be able to get out of it for weeks. Then I'll hurt them I will hurt them for not loving me and not accepting me and I will ruin them and run them into the ground without a care. Sometimes I feel bad about it later other times I don't. I can tell people exactly what they do not want to hear and I push their buttons and I like seeing them hurt and going over the edge and breaking. Yet on the other hand I can be the best friend that you've ever had I'll pick you up at 2 o'clock in the morning I'll listen to you whine and cry and I may not actually give a **** but I pretend to.... Yet I get so mad when you actually don't love me and I cry a lot. I Enjoy pain a lot which I think is really weird I have over 25 tattoos a **** ton of piercings and it's still not enough pain.... I graduated college I had amazing jobs that pay a lot but I never stick with them and I was finding excuse to quit I just wonder if I'm ever going to actually get my life together or is this the path that I'm going to keep taking over and over again for the rest my life... Yet through all of this I just want attention either good or bad I just want you to know that I am there and for some reason I care about what you think about me so much yet at the same time I don't give two *****

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