Worst Mistakes Parents Make When Talking to Kids

Words can change your kid's brain. Learn to use the right ones.

by Melanie A. Greenberg, Ph.D. in The Mindful Self-Express

Psychology Today~Parenting is one of the most challenging, yet meaningful life tasks. Unfortunately, popular wisdomand misconceptions about how to raise responsible kids can lead to ineffective communication and power struggles  Some parents use authoritarian parenting strategies that do not allow the child an independent voice or sense of efficacy. Other parents overcompensate with overly permissive parenting that doesn’t teach kids about limits and self-control. Research shows both extremes can interfere with kids’ ability to regulate emotions and form healthy relationships as adults. The best type of parenting is fair, flexible, respectful, and has learning, rather than submission as its goal. Hearing and respecting feelings, allowing choice, yet setting fair and clear limits on unacceptable behavior is the healthy balance that we should all strive for. This article will teach you how to avoid ineffective ways of communicating that lead to noncompliance and power struggles, or damage self-esteem. 

1) Talking Too Much

When parents go on and on, kids tune them out. Researchers have shown that the human brain can keep only four “chunks” of information or unique ideas in short-term (active) memory at once. This amounts to about 30 seconds or one or two sentences of speaking.

Ineffective Example

“I’m not sure what we should do about ballet and softball this semester. You know, you really probably can’t do both because softball is on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays at 4, but then you have to change and put your hair in a bun, so that won’t be enough time, unless you pack all your ballet stuff on Monday night, which means it has to get washed on Sunday…….”

There are so many different ideas in this message that the kid will get confused and tune the parent out. Also, the message has an overall negative, anxious tone that can cause the kid to react with doubt and anxiety. It is not necessary to tell the kid all of the information at once. Rather, break it up into separate steps to be more digestible. Let the kid express his/her overall preference first, before bringing up all the obstacles.

 Effective Example

“If you do both ballet and softball this semester, you’ll have to go right from one to the other some nights. Let’s sit down and figure out if this makes sense for both you and me.”
In this example, the parent is limiting the conversation to two sentences, which makes it easier for the kid to absorb the information. She is also also being clear about the overall goal (make it work for both), and the next steps she is requesting (sit down and discuss the issue). Finally, she is communicating a willingness to collaborate and consider the kids' needs as well as her own.  

 

(2) Nagging and Giving Multiple Warnings

 Most parents are familiar with the early morning rush to get everybody out the door on time, along with their lunches, gym clothes, musical instruments, signed homework, and so on.  The child who gets distracted and seems unmotivated to get ready on time is the greatest challenge to a busy parent.  Many parents feel out of control and try desperately to control the situation by nagging or criticizing. The problem with nagging is that you are actually training kids to ignore you because they know there will be more reminders down the road. While very young kids, may need more assistance and instruction, effective parents allow the kids to take increasing responsibility as they grow older.

Ineffective Example (to a 10-year-old kid)

“I’m waking you up an hour early because you are never ready on time. You need to get dressed right now. Do you have the homework for me to sign? “
Ten minutes later.
“I told you to get ready and you’re still lollygagging. You’re going to make us all late. Go and brush your teeth and put your clothes on.”
Ten minutes later.
“Where is your homework? I asked you to bring it for me to sign? And you’re not finished dressing. We are going to be late.”
And so on.
This parent is taking way too much responsibility and indirectly communicating to the kid that she doesn’t trust him to manage the situation without extensive instruction and interference. This so-called“helicopter parenting,” can lead to unconfident, overly dependent kids, according to Dr. Carol Dweck, a best-selling author and researcher on parenting and motivation.  The tone is also negative and intrusive, which is likely to create resentment and resistance or passive-aggression.

Effective Example

“We will be leaving for school in 45 minutes. If you don’t have everything you need, it’s up to you to explain it to your teachers.”
These instructions are brief and convey a clear expectation, with a consequence for not complying. They are free of judgment, anxiety, and attempts to control. The parent allows the kid to learn from the natural consequences of his/her own behavior.

(3) Using Guilt and Shame to Get Compliance

One of the biggest lessons one learns as a parent is that young kids don’t naturally have empathyand consideration for your needs. They develop empathy slowly as they mature, by experiencing your empathy for them. That’s why the expectation that young kids walk in your shoes and see things from your point of view may not be reasonable. The failure to do so does not mean they are a bad or uncaring kid. They are just being a kid — focused on having fun in the moment, and testing their limits to learn about what is acceptable.  Most parents are stressed multi-taskers who often forget to take care of themselves. This can lead to resentment when kids don’t seem to be cooperating. It is important to take some time to connect with your own feelings and calm down using deep breathing or self-talk before letting these emotions leak and derail your communication with your kid.

Ineffective Example

“I have asked you repeatedly to tidy up your toys and here they are, strewn all over the living room floor. Don’t you care at all? Can’t you see that I’ve been on my feet all day taking care of everybody’s needs. Now I have to trip over your toys or waste my time cleaning them up. What’s wrong with you that you’re so selfish?”
This parent is creating a lot of negative energy. While we can all empathize with her frustration, her communication is blaming and disrespectful. Calling a kid “selfish,” or implying there is something wrong with her is also harmful. Kids internalize these negative labels and begin to see themselves as "not good enough." Humiliating or shaming a kid can shape brain pathways in negative ways. Label the behavior as unacceptable, but the kid as still lovable.

Effective Example

“I see the toys haven’t been packed away yet and that makes me upset. It’s important for me to have an orderly house that we can all function in.  All the toys that are out will need to go sleep in the garage tonight. You can earn them back by tidying away all of your toys tomorrow.”
This parent is clearly communicating her own feelings and needs withoutanger or blame. She is applying a clear, but not overly punitive consequence for the behavior and providing an opportunity for the child to try again tomorrow and succeed. She does not attribute any negative motivation to the kid or label his personality in negative ways. 

4) Not Listening 

We would all like to teach our kids to respect other people. The best way to do this is by modeling respectful and caring behavior in our own interactions. This helps the kid learn the value of respect and empathy and teaches them the skills of effective communication. Often, attentive listening is the most difficult thing for parents to do, because kids keep interrupting us, or our minds are preoccupied with all the errands that have to be done. In this case, it is okay to say to the kid “It’s difficult for me to listen to you now because I’m busying cooking, but I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”  It’s better to set aside a clear time for communication than to listen half-heartedly or resentfully. Remember, though, that it’s difficult for kids to wait for long periods to be listened to

Ineffective Example

Parental response to a kid saying they scored a goal at soccer
(without  making eye contact) “Oh, that’s nice, dear. Now go and play with your sister (muttering to herself) What temperature do I cook the chicken at?”
Effective listening involves all of the non-verbals, such as maintaining eye contact, conveying understanding with our faces and voices, and using words to reflect our understanding. This parent is teaching her kid not to bother her, and that the things that are important to him are not important to her. This can make a kid feel alone and not good enough.

Effective Example

Parental response to a kid saying they scored a goal at soccer.
“You scored a goal. Fantastic! I can see you feel really proud of how you played. I want to hear all about how it went down today.” 
This parent is displaying interest and enthusiasm; inviting the kid to elaborate and describe what happened. She is effectively tuning into the kid’s nonverbal expression and reflecting his feelings, thereby helping the kid to gain awareness of his own reactions. This type of response leads to the kid feeling that he is important and worthy of attention and care. This type of empathic resonance helps the kid to deelop more interconnected brain pathways to processand make sense of  emotion.
Parenting is a difficult job, and one in which we all make mistakes at times. Communicating effectively with our children takes time and energy. We need to become aware of our own feelings and automatic reactions, and slow down enough to be able to choose a more mindful way. Following through with consequences teaches kids limits, while listening and granting autonomy teach kids respect. Be sure to take care of yourself enough so that you have this type of mindful energy for your kids. This may mean re-examining your priorities and letting some things go. It is well worth it. Kids who have respectful, engaged, consistent parents learn to regulate their own emotions more effectively, feel better about themselves, and are able to have more loving relationships as adults.

For more information visit: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201209/worst-mistakes-parents-make-when-talking-kids

Teens With Eating Disorders Benefit From Parents' Help

By Kathleen Doheny

HealthDay Reporter

ABC News~When a teenager has an eating disorder, it's not just the teen's problem. It's a family problem.

So, parents should join in on the treatment, a growing number of experts believe.

With parental involvement, "the outcome is likely to be improved," said Dr. Ovidio Bermudez, medical director of the eating disorders program at Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital in Tulsa, Okla., and a member of the board of directors of the National Eating Disorders Association.

Nearly 10 million females and 1 million males in the United States have an eating disorder, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. Federal government statistics show that more than 90 percent of them are females aged 12 to 25.

People with bulimia binge eat and then purge, whereas those with anorexia nervosa limit food and become dangerously thin because they believe they're too heavy when, in fact, they're not.

But the thinking about the causes of eating disorders and their treatment has come full circle, Bermudez said. Many years ago, experts blamed eating disorders on controlling mothers and distant fathers, among other theories. But today they generally concur that the disorders are not due to those factors.

"We know now that eating disorders are real illnesses, not lifestyle choices," Bermudez said. And parents can play a crucial role in recovery, Bermudez and others now believe.

In fact, researchers found that teens were more able to control their disordered eating when they had family support.

One study involving 80 teens with bulimia put about half in a treatment program that included family therapy and the others in more traditional psychotherapy. Six months later, the success rate for those given family therapy was twice as great as it was for the others.

About 40 percent of teens whose families participated in their treatment had stopped bingeing and purging, compared with 18 percent of those treated without family involvement. The study was published in the Archives of General Psychiatry.

Another study, published in the journal Eating Disorders, followed 32 teenage girls with anorexia and found that 75 percent of them were in full remission three years after treatment that had included family therapy.

Just what does the treatment, generally known as behavioral family therapy, involve?

"The therapist works with the family to empower the family to get the [anorectic] child to eat the meals and recover the weight," Bermudez said. "The family becomes the agent of change."

He said that the approach has been studied more in anorexia than in bulimia but that it is used for both.

In bulimia, the parents' role at home would be to get their teen to eat regular meals so the teen doesn't binge then purge, Bermudez said.

It doesn't always work, he said, but it is generally viewed as promising and effective.

The approach did work for the daughter of Deborah, a 50-something mother in Orlando, Fla. She and her husband were stunned when their daughter, Allison, now 25, told them she needed help. "She had lost a lot of weight," Deborah recalled.

They sought help and participated in a family-centered treatment approach. "I was in the counseling session with Allison and the therapist," Deborah recalled. It helped her understand the disorder, she said, and how better to help.

But Deborah did much more than sit in the counseling sessions. "We built a team around Allison," she said. Besides the therapist, the team included the family doctor, a nutritionist, Allison and her parents.

Parents can take other steps to help a teen recover from an eating disorder. Suggestions include:

• Educate yourself. "I would sit up at night and read," Deborah said, "so I could understand Allison and what she was experiencing."
• Be there emotionally. For her daughter, Deborah recalled, knowing that she could count on her parents' aid and support helped a great deal.
• Don't be in denial. If you suspected your child had cancer, Bermudez asked, wouldn't you get help immediately? It's just as crucial for a suspected eating disorder.
• Follow directions."Listen to your treatment team," Bermudez tells parents. The best treatment plans are individualized.

Allison's family-centered treatment, begun at the start of her senior year in high school, was successful. In college, she began to speak on the topic and now heads up the junior board of directors for the National Eating Disorders Association.

More information

The National Eating Disorders Association has more for parents of teens with eating disorders.

SOURCES: Deborah, Orlando, Fla.; Ovidio Bermudez, M.D., medical director, eating disorders program, Laureate Psychiatric Clinic and Hospital, Tulsa, Okla.; National Eating Disorders Association, Seattle; U.S. National Mental Health Information Center, Rockville, Md.; Archives of General Psychiatry; January-February 2009, Eating Disorders

Parents tackle issue of teen bullying and social isolation

ABC Local~MARIN, Calif. (KGO) -- A Bay Area power couple, known for their tough political tactics, is helping teens learn to be nicer to each other.

A new group called "Beyond Differences," is tackling the issue of teen bullying and social isolation. The group was started by Laura Talmus and Ace Smith in honor of their daughter Lili Rachel Smith, who was born with a rare condition known as Apert's syndrome.

Lili was a happy little girl growing up in Marin County, but her friends disappeared right around the time she hit middle school.

"She was really just dealt out of a social life," Talmus said.

Lili's charm still made her popular with adults -- including her parents' powerful political friends -- but she wanted to connect with kids her own age too.

"I think it slowly eroded her self confidence," Talmus said.

Lili started boarding school at 15, where she found kids who accepted her. But Lili died suddenly of medical complications.
"In that young woman, there was so much self-determination," family friend and State Attorney General Kamala Harris said.

Now, Lili's parents are using that spirit of determination to encourage teenagers to be nicer to each other. One of their first events attracted a standing room-only crowd full of anxious parents where students talked about the cruelties of middle school.

"It was miserable," a student named Mason said. "If you were just the slightest bit different, then no one is gonna talk to you."

An Lili's parents were energized to keep going with a series of public events that urged teenagers. "Beyond Differences" created a teen board of kids reaching out to kids at school and community gatherings.

The most recent "Beyond Differences" event attracted 300 people. It was upbeat but contained a serious message about why stopping social isolation matters so much.

"It can lead to depression, to thoughts of suicide, failure in school," Harris said. "It can lead to a child becoming very vulnerable to predators."

Lili's parents say they've been overwhelmed by the support and they'll keep reaching out to teens who feel alone and those who can help.

"Leading is not just about being popular and making yourself as popular as possible, but including everyone," Smith says.

"Beyond Differences" next event is on June 1 at the College of Marin. The event is free. More information can be found at BeyondDifferences.org.

Written and produced by Jennifer Olney

Be a role model for your children

B

y 

drinkaware.co.uk

Don't feel you can't drink in front of your children. Set a good example by drinking in moderation and being open with them about alcohol.

• Is it ok to drink in front of my children?
• Daily unit guidelines
• Talk to your kids
• Be open with your children

Is it ok to drink in front of my children?

Yes, research shows that from a young age children learn about acceptable behaviour by observing and copying their parents, so when it comes to drinking, it really is a case of leading by example.

What they see at home helps children think about how they’ll drink alcohol as an adult. So, just as children learn to walk and talk like their parents, they learn how to drink like them too. For example, there’s evidence that children whose parents drink moderately in front of them are less likely to drink to excess.

You can follow these simple tips to demonstrate your own responsible attitude to drinking:

Daily unit guidelines

Drink within the government's daily unit guidelines. This shows your child that adults can enjoy alcohol in moderation. Use the tool below to find out if you are drinking within the daily unit guidelines.

Don’t feel hypocritical for drinking when you have told them they can’t. Instead, explain that alcohol is only for adults because their bodies have finished growing, and even adults have rules about how much they can drink.

Talk to your kids about different drinks having different strengths and let them know alcohol is measured in units. You could order a unit measure cup and show them what different measures of drink look like.

Talk to your kids

Sometimes it can seem like there’s always an excuse to drink, but children notice if their parents have different drinking patterns at special occasions or on holiday. To avoid confusing them, keep up a conversation that explains that usually you stick to the daily unit guidelines.

Be open with your children

If you do drink too much occasionally and have a hangover, don’t try and hide the symptoms, instead talk openly to your child about how you’re feeling, for example, having a headache or feeling sick and let them know the effects would be worse for them as they’re smaller and developing.  This way they know too much alcohol can have a negative consequence and you avoid making alcohol a taboo subject.

Managing eating disorders through the holiday season

BY ELIZABETH DEARMAS

Miami Herald~Kelsey Hensel was everything a teenage girl would want to be. She was smart, had a great family and was a star athlete on her high school softball team.

She also was a master at hiding her deepest secret: Her battle with bulimia nervosa — an eating disorder characterized by binging on food, overeating, self-induced vomiting and abusing laxatives. It controlled her life throughout her teenage years.

Hensel started noticing her “weird relationship with food” when she was 12. By the time she was 14, she had begun binging and purging. Her mother, who was an alcoholic, died when she was 10.

“It wasn’t about appearance to me,” she said. “It was just my way of dealing with everything I had been through. The eating disorder was a relief at the time.”

The National Institute of Mental Health defines eating disorders as an illness that seriously affects one’s everyday diet. The three most common eating disorders are: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge-eating disorders.

Individuals suffering from anorexia nervosa believe they are overweight — when they are typically underweight — and become obsessed with food and their weight.

Binge-eating disorder, unlike bulimia, doesn’t result in self-induced vomiting or the use of laxatives. Instead, people lose control of their eating and often end up becoming overweight or obese.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), 20 million U.S. women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some point in their lifetime.

Hensel’s eating disorder became progressively worse throughout the years. When it was time for her to leave for college, she thought she would be able to get over it. She couldn’t.

“I was very ashamed because I was so confident, had everything figured out, everyone looked up to me, so to admit that I wasn’t able to eat like a normal person was awful to me,” she said. “I was always a normal weight and that was one thing I felt was difficult for me. I felt like I had to look a certain way to be bad enough and that is horrible.”

After seven years of battling her addiction with bulimia – which would develop into anorexia and binge eating from time to time – she left college in 2011 and checked into The Renfrew Center of Florida in Coconut Creek, which treats people with eating disorders.

Today, the 23-year-old resident of Palm Beach Gardens is getting ready to graduate from college and is recovering. She has friends, has a relationship with her family and is in a 12-step program that helps her work on her recovery.

“Eating disorders are very powerful and they take a lot out of you,” she said. “I am happy to be alive, and I couldn’t say that three years ago.”

Dr. Rosa Gomez de Jesus, a pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine at Miami Children’s Hospital, says the holidays can be very stressful for people suffering from eating disorders.

“They are going to have people asking them why they’re not eating or commenting on this or that or asking why they’re too skinny, so they get a little bit concerned and nervous about that,” she said.

Although no studies have quantified whether there is an uptick among people treated for eating disorders during the holiday season, Gomez de Jesus says the number of patients she sees increases during this time, from one to two patients to as many as eight or more.

Parents concerned that their child may be suffering from an eating disorder should look out for warning signs, experts say. These include not eating with the family, rearranging food to look as if it was eaten, preparing their own meals, commenting about their weight, over-exercising, becoming obsessed with food magazines or television channels and preferring to be alone a lot.

Physical symptoms include rapid weight loss, dry skin, thinning hair, fainting spells, fatigue, weakness, irregular or no menstrual cycles and the inability to regulate body temperature, which can result in the child often complaining about being cold.

Jennifer Caceres, a registered dietician, says the pressure of feeling that you have to eat the food because a family member cooked it can exacerbate the stress during the holidays.

“Eating doesn’t mean you are going to be overweight or get fat,” she said. “You have to have a balance. That is what we try to reinforce and emphasize with patients.”

Hensel remembers the holidays being especially difficult for her. She says she spent hours obsessing about herself and her addiction, and brooded that she couldn’t enjoy the holidays of her dreams.

“It is important to have a supportive family member or loved one who is going to be with you through the holidays,” she said. “You should be able to share your thoughts with this person. Let them know that you might need their help, and reach out.”

She also advised that people who suffer from eating disorders should give themselves a break, and try to treat the holiday like any other day. As part of this strategy, she suggested engaging in fun activities with the family to get one’s mind off the food.

“Striving for perfection isn’t realistic,” she said. “Deviating from your plan is okay. A lot of people with eating disorders set these strict guidelines and end up setting themselves up for failure.”

Dr. Heather Maio, assistant vice president of clinical services and clinical director of The Renfrew Center of Florida, says that it is important for family members to be patient and supportive.

“Extra support needs to be in place,” she said. “Be kind, especially during the holidays, when everything is stressful and busy and there are a lot of guests in the house. Know that recovery is possible.”

Although treatment options vary depending on the severity of the individual’s case, a multidisciplinary approach – a combination of therapy and medication – is the most effective way to treat eating disorders.

Dr. Daniel Bober, the medical director of pediatric psychiatry at Joe DiMaggio Children’s Hospital in Hollywood, says parents can unknowingly put pressure on their children when they talk to them about food and appearance.

“Even one conversation about saying they’re looking fat or that they need to cut back has such a tremendous impact,” he said. “So much of the child’s self-esteem comes from the parent’s acceptance of them.”

Instead, he said, focus on the aspects of your child that are healthy. This way, you can build them up from the inside out, not the outside in, he said.

For more information visit: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/11/25/v-fullstory/3779322/managing-eating-disorders-through.html#storylink=cpy

Celebrating Safely: Advice for Parents

By LAWRENCE KUTNER, PH.D

PsychCentral~For many families, drinking alcohol is a way to celebrate something. The good cheer of the holiday season is liberally laced with wine. We use champagne and liquor to show our happiness at weddings and births.

This association of alcohol with celebration leads many parents to wonder whether or when they should permit their children to drink socially, even though it is illegal. Will forbidding alcohol make it even more appealing? Will condoning drinking lead to alcoholism for the child? If you talk to your child about not drinking and driving, is that giving him tacit permission to drink as long as he doesn’t drive?

Alcoholism researchers and developmental psychologists say the answers are not that simple. They also agree that it’s a bad idea to allow your children to drink alcohol at home simply because you assume they will just do it elsewhere. In fact, that makes it harder for teenagers to decline a drink in other situations. Protecting children from alcohol abuse requires a grasp of how different their thinking is from adult thinking, and recognition that alcohol can be a serious problem for them and for their friends.

The nationwide laws in the United States against drinking alcohol by anyone under age 21 do little to prevent teenagers from obtaining it easily. Research at the Harvard School of Public Health has found that about 40 percent of boys in their senior year of high school are binge drinkers — that is, when they drink, they have five or more drinks at a time. It also found that among college freshmen, 80 percent of the men and 70 percent of the women admitted drinking alcohol within 30 days of being interviewed. Almost half the men and more than a third of the women said they’ve been drunk during that time.

The allure of alcohol is strongest during adolescence, when many children are looking for ways to mask their feelings of awkwardness, bolster self-confidence, increase social acceptance, and take new risks. They have spent years developing expectations for what drinking alcohol will do and what it means. These images, which are often unrealistic, have been shaped in part by advertising and by their parents’ patterns of drinking.

Studies by Dr. Alan Marlatt, the director of the Addictive Behaviors Research Center at the University of Washington at Seattle, have found that those teenagers who are most likely to have trouble with alcohol have different expectations of its risks and benefits. The high-risk adolescents expect that alcohol will always make them feel better and that the more they drink, the better they’ll feel. They see it as a general tension reducer that will lower their social anxieties and concerns about self-esteem. Also, boys who are at high risk for alcohol abuse say that alcohol will make both them and their dates more attractive. (One teenager he interviewed told Dr. Marlatt that he drank heavily at parties because all of his dates “looked prettier through beer goggles.”)

Those adolescents at lower risk for abusing alcohol have a more balanced set of expectations, including concerns about getting sick and embarrassing themselves.

Avoiding Problems with Alcohol

Alcohol education should begin early for the simple reasons that children are exposed to alcohol advertising well before they are old enough to drink. In fact, it’s not unusual for preschoolers who see sports events and their accompanying commercials on television to be able to identify different brands of beer before they can read.

While you needn’t start that early, it’s a good idea to talk to your children about alcohol by early adolescence. Here are some approaches:

• Let your children know what you expect of them, and why. Simply saying you don’t want him to drink won’t convince a teenager unless you can back it up with reasons. Giving your child clear expectations of family rules and an awareness of family values goes a long way. It means that when your child’s confronted with peer pressure, he will know what you expect.
• Provide evidence for not wanting your child to drink alcohol. Ads show drinking as part of being a successful, competent, attractive adult — much as cigarette ads give the false impression that smokers are rugged athletes who have glistening white teeth and a broad range of physically attractive friends. Adolescents are especially susceptible to those messages. They provide what teenagers want most at a time when they feel invulnerable to the risks involved.
• Point out stories in the newspaper where adolescents were involved in drunken-driving accidents or were arrested at public events or private parties for using alcohol. Don’t do this all at once, but do it regularly and subtly.
• Pay close attention to your children’s friends. Teenagers tend to drink what their friends do. If you know some of your child’s friends are getting into trouble with alcohol, pay closer attention to your own child’s behavior.Also, pay attention to and support your children’s friendships with nondrinkers. An adolescent is more likely to refuse alcohol at a party if he is with a friend who also doesn’t want to drink. The friend provides social support.
• Get to know the parents of your children’s friends. Let them know you will not allow your underage children to attend parties where alcohol is served. Ask the other parents to agree to the same criteria.
• Talk to your child about not driving if he’s been drinking, and especially about not getting into a car with a driver who’s been drinking. Although some parents worry about this giving children a set of contradictory messages (i.e., you’re not allowed to drink alcohol, but I expect that you will), it really does not. Instead, it allows your child to see your priorities: You have rules that you believe in, but you value his life and health more than any rule. Let your children know that if they call home from a party and say that they need to be picked up, you will either get them yourself or pay for a taxi to do so. Also you will do this without questioning their motives or their integrity. (This approach may come in handy in other situations as well, such as if you have a daughter who’s worried about being sexually assaulted in her date’s car on the way home. She’ll feel much more comfortable calling you for help if she doesn’t have to explain her reasons.) Giving your teenagers this power tells them that you trust their judgment, even if they make a mistake or get into trouble.
• Finally, recognize that two of the main reasons teenagers drink are to cope with stress and to experience an altered state of consciousness. Dr. Marlatt has found that college students who were heavy drinkers were able to reduce their alcohol consumption by 30 to 40 percent when they either did aerobic exercise or practiced meditation. Those who regularly exercised and meditated reduced their alcohol consumption by 50 to 60 percent. Developing such alternative coping strategies might also prevent light drinkers from getting into trouble.

Dealing with an Addicted Teen During the Holidays

Published on December 12, 2011 by Ugo Uche in Promoting Empathy With Your Teen

Psychology Today~Once I was working with a family whose son presented with a dire need to be placed into a residential therapeutic program. After a major relapse which led to a return of habitually abusing heroin, I shared with his parents that I believed his life was in danger and that he needed to be placed into residential treatment. This took place some years ago and we were in the month of December.

His mother looked at me keenly and said;
"Ugo can we wait until after Christmas?"
"The choice to wait is yours, but I believe you have run out of time," at this point both parents were frowning at me. The father then spoke up.

"In our family Christmas its scared, I understand you mean well but we are not going to send our son away, especially since we have his grandparents coming over and he hasn't seen them in a year and a half."

"Okay," I replied. "I understand, but could you both share with me how last Christmas went?" 

I already knew the story, both parents had woken up on Christmas to discover that most of the Christmas presents they had wrapped for themselves and their four children had disappeared. After an intense confrontation, my client at the time who according to his parents was clearly under the influence, would claim that he had taken the presents to goodwill, because he believed the family was too materialistic. However what really happened as his parents quickly figured out, was that my client had either sold or pawned the presents for money he used to buy drugs.

After I asked my question both parents didn't answer, they had been reminded how the last two years of their son's addiction had strained the family.

Sometimes in response to stress we create delusions for ourselves. We convince ourselves that things are happening the way we want them to be happening. It's the equivalent of closing our eyes and hoping that the problem will disappear on its own.

Having being raised Anglican, I get the significant of holiday traditions like Christmas. However it's important never to get carried away with traditions or nostalgia this holiday season. If there is a problem with your child or teen that routinely overshadows family affairs, it should be held to a higher priority than traditional celebrations.

As for the family I was working with, they didn't have long to debate over a decision. Their son was arrested on a drug related charge two days later. 

For more information visit: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/promoting-empathy-your-teen/201112/dealing-addicted-teen-during-the-holidays

Washington High School Students More Likely To Smoke Pot Than Cigarettes: Survey

By DONNA GORDON BLANKINSHIP

Huffington Post~SEATTLE  Washington high school students who participated in a statewide survey say they are twice as likely to smoke marijuana as cigarettes, and the state's top health official said Thursday she's worried that a new marijuana law may make prevention efforts more difficult.

High school smoking has decreased significantly across the state, with cigarette smoking down in grades 6, 8, 10 and 12, but the number of high school students who believe using marijuana is risky is also at a low point, health officials said after releasing the 2012 survey results.

More than half of 10th graders said it is easy to get marijuana and about 19 percent said they smoked marijuana within 30 days of the survey. About 27 percent of 12th graders said they smoked pot.

More than 200,000 youth took the voluntary and anonymous survey in October.

In November, Washington and Colorado voters legalized marijuana possession for adults over 21. Possession remains illegal for youth.

Washington Health Secretary Mary Selecky expressed concern that marijuana prevention efforts aren't ready to ramp up in response to the new state law.

"As the perception of harm goes down, use goes up," she said.

Some of Washington's anticipated tax revenue from sales of marijuana at state licensed stores will be devoted to youth prevention education. But Selecky said marijuana stores are expected to open before new money for prevention efforts flows to the state. She noted that the state has worked hard to keep tobacco out of the hands of minors by making it illegal for anyone under 19 to buy cigarettes, but kids are still getting their hands on tobacco.

Washington already does some youth drug prevention, but to get the results seen in smoking prevention, they will need to increase their efforts significantly, Selecky said.

"We have our work cut out for us," she said.

A University of Washington researcher who supported the new marijuana law said it's a big improvement over prohibition alone, since the government has done a lousy job of educating young people about marijuana.

"More adolescents reducing their use of tobacco is an indicator, as I see it, of the effectiveness of well-funded, science-based education," said Roger Roffman, a professor emeritus of social work and a therapist in private practice. "If that can work with tobacco, why wouldn't it work with regard to marijuana?"

He expects this public health effort, which was not included in the Colorado law, will be more effective in preventing harm, and encouraging healthy decisions than prohibition.

The healthy youth survey conducted in 2012 also found that fewer students are using alcohol, compared with 2010. About 23 percent of students in 10th grade reported drinking alcohol over the previous 30 days, compared with 28 percent in 2010. That number peaked at 45 percent in 1999. The 12th grade numbers dropped from 40 percent in 2010 to 36 percent in 2012.

The Healthy Youth Survey is taken every two years by students in grades 6, 8, 10 and 12, in more than 1,000 public schools in Washington.

Alcohol and Teens

WebMD

Medical Author: Roxanne Dryden-Edwards, MD  

Medical Editor: Melissa Conrad Stöppler, MD 

How much alcohol do teens use?

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Alcohol is the most frequently used drug byteenagers in the United States. About half of junior high and senior high school students drink alcohol on a monthly basis, and 14% of teens have been intoxicated at least once in the past year. Nearly 8% of teens who drink say they drink at least five or more alcoholic drinks in a row (binge drink).

What are the dangerous effects of alcohol use in teens?

Just a few of the many dangerous effects of alcohol use in teens include the following:

• Alcohol decreases teens' ability to pay attention.
• Teens who have experienced alcohol withdrawal tend to have difficulties with memory.
• In contrast to adults, teens tend to abuse alcohol with other substances, usually marijuana.
• Male teens who drink heavily tend to complete fewer years of education compared to male teens who do not.
• The younger a person is when they begin drinking, the more likely they are to develop a problem with alcohol.
• Each year, almost 2,000 people under the age of 21 years die in car crashes in which underage drinking is involved. Alcohol is involved in nearly half of all violent deaths involving teens.
• More than three times the number of eighth-grade girls who drink heavily said they have attempted suicide compared to girls in that grade who do not drink.
• Intoxication is associated with suicide attempts using more lethal methods, and positive blood alcohol levels are often found in people who complete suicide.
• Teens who drink are more likely to engage in sexual activity, have unprotected sex, have sex with a stranger, or be the victim or perpetrator of a sexual assault.
• Excess alcohol use can cause or mask other emotional problems, likeanxiety or depression.
• Drinking in excess can lead to the use of other drugs, like marijuana, cocaine, or heroin.

• How can parents prevent alcohol use?

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  Clear communication by parents about the negative effects of alcohol, as well as about their expectations regarding drug use, have been found to significantly decrease alcohol use in teens. Adequate parental supervision has also been found to be a deterrent to alcohol use in youth. Alcohol, and other drug use, has been found to occur most often between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., immediately after school and prior to parents' arrival at home from work. Teen participation in extracurricular activities has therefore been revealed to be an important measure in preventing use of alcohol in this age group. Parents can also help educate teens about appropriate coping and stress-management strategies. For example, 15- to 16-year-olds who use religion to cope with stress tend to use drugs significantly less often and have less problems as a result of drinking than their peers who do not use religion to cope.

  What are the symptoms and signs of alcohol intoxication?

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  Signs that indicate a person is intoxicated include the smell of alcohol on their breath or skin, glazed or bloodshot eyes, the person being unusually passive or argumentative, and/or deterioration in the person's appearance or hygiene. Other symptoms of intoxication include flushed skin and memory loss.

  What is alcoholism?

  As defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, alcoholism (alcohol dependence) is a negative pattern of alcohol use leading to a number of problems, which may include needing more alcohol to get intoxicated (tolerance), difficulties that occur when the effects of alcohol wear off (withdrawal), using more alcohol or for longer time than intended, and other life problems because of the use of alcohol.
  Five stages of alcohol and drug use have been identified. The first stage is described as access to alcohol rather than use of alcohol, tobacco, inhalants, or other drugs. In that stage, minimizing the risk factors that make a teenager more vulnerable to using alcohol are an issue. The second stage of alcohol and other drug use ranges from experimentation or occasional use to regular weekly use of alcohol, tobacco, inhalants, or other drugs. The third stage is characterized by youths further increasing the frequency of alcohol use and/or using alcohol and other drugs on a regular basis. This stage may also include the teenager either buying drugs or stealing to get drugs. In the fourth stage of alcohol and drug use, adolescents have established regular usage, have become preoccupied with getting intoxicated ("high") and have developed problems in their social, educational, vocational, or family life as a result of using the substance. The final and most serious fifth stage of alcohol or other drug use is defined by the youth only feeling normal when they are using. During this stage, risk-taking behaviors like stealing, engaging in physical fights, or driving while intoxicated increase, and they become most vulnerable to having suicidal thoughts.
  For more information visit: http://www.medicinenet.com/alcohol_and_teens/article.htm