7 Reasons Kids Don’t Disclose Child Abuse

by Ginger Kadlec

projecteve~For many adults, it’s difficult to understand why a child would ever be silent about the fact they are being abused and not actively seek help. Countless courtroom juries charged with determining the fate of alleged perpetrators have questioned that same behavior, often leading to doubts of the validity of abuse charges or claims. After all, who in their right mind would ever put up with horrible treatment without trying to find refuge or stop it?

In most cases, the sad fact is children will NOT immediately tell someone they’re being abused. As we peel the layers of this onion and try to understand what may seem to be odd behavior to many, please keep these key child abuse facts in mind:

• Over 90% of abused children know, love or trust their abuser. So, in the majority of cases, the person harming the child is NOT a stranger and, in fact, may be a caretaker or someone providing the child’s basic needs (i.e., food, shelter, clothing, etc.).

• Nearly 65% of all child abuse happens at the hands of a parent, step-parent, relative OR boyfriend/girlfriend of the parent.

• Around 40% of child sexual abuse is committed by a family member. The younger the victim, the more likely the perpetrator is a family member: 1) under 6 years of age, 50% of perpetrators were family members; 2) ages 12-17, 23% were family members. (Snyder 2000)

Disclosure is a process, not a one-time event.

It’s extremely common for children to keep abuse to themselves or slowly disclose abuse over a period of time. In fact, 73% of child victims do not tell anyone they have been abused for at least a year. 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years, while still others never disclose their abuse (Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

There are 7 primary reasons children remain silent about being abused:

1) “Keep this a secret.” In my humble opinion, this is the #1 reason children do not disclose. Abusers will direct children to keep the molestation or abuse a secret, sometimes making the child feel guilty or responsible that something bad will happen either to the abuser, the child or the child’s loved ones if the child “tells”. Children, especially younger ones, want to “behave” and “follow rules”, so if they are told to keep a secret, they often do their best to oblige.

2) Threats:  The strength and courage of children never ceases to amaze me. Predators often threaten to harm a child or even someone a child loves like mom, dad or a sibling. Thinking they are protecting their families, they remain silent and go along with the abuse. Threats can also be made against a child’s pets. In fact, in the course of abuse investigations, children are often asked about how family members or friends treat their pets, as animals are often used as leverage or even tools to manipulate children in the course of abuse.

3) Fear: Sometimes kids are just flat-out scared or intimidated by the person abusing them. They may fear further retribution or more severe “punishment” from their abuser if someone finds out.

4) Love: Given that such a large percentage of children know their abusers, children often love the person harming them, be it a parent, sibling, another relative, boyfriend or girlfriend. They may know what’s happening is wrong, but will try to protect their abuser and keep quiet because they love them. Another example of love is when a child tries to protect the feelings of someone else. There are countless cases where a mother’s boyfriend sexually abuses a child and the child remains silent, so mom won’t be sad.

5) “No one will believe you” is an all-too-common seed planted into a child’s head by an abuser. Children are led to believe that even if they tried to talk about the abuse, people around them will think they are lying for one reason or another.

6) “It’s all YOUR fault” is another common blame-game perpetrators will play with children. They will lead kids to believe the abuse happened because of something the children did or didn’t do. In turn, kids often remain silent because they feel they caused the abuse. They may also fear getting in trouble if they believe they are at fault, so will keep abuse to themselves.

7) Grooming: sexual predators often “groom” children for abuse. They will test the waters and progressively become more sexual in their interactions with targeted children. Depending on the age or development of a child, the child may not know the predator’s actions are wrong. In fact, if grooming begins at a young age, this behavior may be all the child knows, so she views it as ”normal”.

In my next blog, we will address key points every child should know about keeping their bodies safe from sexual predators. These points will also help them feel comfortable coming forward and disclosing should they ever find themselves victims of abuse.

Reference: “Understanding and helping to prevent Child Sexual Abuse“, ©2008 Channing Bete Company, Inc.

For more information visit: http://www.projecteve.com/7-reasons-children-dont-disclose-abuse/

Schools Battle Suicide Surge, Anti-Gay Bullying

Gay teens Asher Brown, 13, Seth Walsh, 13, and Justin Aaberg all committed suicide in 2010 in the face of alleged anti-gay bullying. (Personal Photos)

This article was published in 2010 by New York CBS News.  By Neil Katz

YORK (CBS/AP) Asher Brown was just 13 when he killed himself last month. So was Seth Walsh. Both were allegedly targets of anti-gay bullying.

According to gay activists, so were recent suicide victims Justin Aaberg, 15, Tyler Clementi, 18, and Billy Lucas, 15.

Now schools are trying to combat the apparent teen suicide surge among young men dealing with anti-gay abuse, but the politics of sexual identity threaten to get in the way.

Gay-rights supporters insist that anti-bullying programs must address harassment of gay youth. Religious conservatives call that an opportunistic manipulation to sway young people's views of homosexuality.

The invective is "some of the worst I've ever seen," said Dennis Carlson, superintendent of Minnesota's Anoka-Hennepin School District, where Justin Aaberg killed himself in July. "We may invite the Department of Justice to come in and help us mediate this discussion between people who seem to want to go at each other."

Case in point.

"We believe the bullying policy should put the emphasis on the wrong actions of the bullies and not the characteristics of the victims," said Chuck Darrell of the conservative Minnesota Family Council.

Not so, said Eliza Byard, executive director of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. "Policies have to name the problem in order to have an impact," she said. "Only the ones that name it see an improvement."

The ideological battle comes on the heels of new research which suggests that the mental health of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) young people is severely compromised by bullying and harassment they receive in school.

The study examined the school-related experiences of 245 LGBT adults between the ages of 21 and 25. It found that LGBT young adults reported higher levels of depression and decreased life satisfaction.

"Our research makes it crystal clear that anti-LGBT bullying is a major reason that youth who don't conform to gender rules or expectations have poorer mental health later in life," study co-author Stephen T. Russell, a consultant with the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, said in a written statement.

But that logic hasn't swayed conservatives who worry that an anti-bullying law before Congress would "incorporate mandatory pro-gay propaganda." That's Mission America president Linda Harvey speaking out against the Safe Schools Improvement Act.

Perhaps the most level-headed advice comes from Minnesota teen Rebecca Dearing, who belongs to her school's gay-straight alliance.

"This shouldn't be a political issue any more, when it's affecting the lives of our students," she said. "It's a human issue that needs to be dealt with. They can be doing more and they're not."

For more information visit: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20019163-10391704.html

Sexting laws: What parents need to know

sheknows.com~by Sherri Kuhn 

PENALTIES FOR PARENTS?

We’ve all had that conversation warning our teens not to take any lewd pictures of themselves or others — maybe more than once. This also applies to forwarding a picture that was sent to him.

There are constantly changing laws about sexting that you may not know about. What’s your liability, and what can police take if your child is suspected of passing along pornographic materials?Teens have always flirted with the opposite sex, but technology has put a whole new spin on the act. Teens — both boys and girls — are sending and receiving naked pictures of themselves, citing flirting or peer pressure as the reason for the sext. Not only is this a bad idea, but it’s also considered a pretty serious crime in most states.

Sexting more common than you think

Parents may prefer to think these are isolated cases, but sexting is a common occurrence in the life of today’s teens.

"... 28 percent of the students followed through and had sent a naked picture of themselves through text or email."

According to research published in the July 2012 issue of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, an astounding 57 percent had been asked to send a sext. While most of these teens admitted to being bothered by the request, 28 percent of the students followed through and had sent a naked picture of themselves through text or email.

Officials investigating a recent case in a Cincinnati-area high school say hundreds of students may have been involved in recent cases of sexting. In January, up to eight cell phones belonging to high school students were confiscated and found to have videos on them made by a male student, who has since been expelled, according to police. The student involved has been charged with pandering obscenities involving a minor, which is a felony.

Consequences are real

Why do teens continue to send, receive and share sexts when there are serious consequences for being involved on any level? "I think the majority of them, they don't understand or realize the consequences criminally, let alone if that were to get out on the internet," says Madeira Chief Frank Maupin, regarding the Ohio case. As with drinking and driving or unprotected sex, many teens feel invincible — that bad things won’t happen to them.

Consequences for sexting are potentially very serious. "It's a felony in the second degree," says M.J. Donovan, lawyer for the Ohio teen charged with four felony counts. "It's the second highest felony in the state of Ohio." While the Ohio law was intended to protect children from exploitation and harm, teen sexting cases fall right into the same category — and same consequences, even when consenting teens are involved. "No one took advantage of him, no one exploited him," she contends. "This is something he did in and of himself and he was not harmed." In many states, teens involved in a sexting case — even if they only shared the image in question — may be required to register as a sex offender.

State laws vary

According to the National Conference of State Legislatures (NCSL) at least 13 states introduced bills or resolutions in 2012 that were aimed at sexting — Hawaii, New York, Pennsylvania and South Dakota all enacted new legislation that year.

"Police can confiscate family computers and cell phones when investigating your child’s involvement in a sexting case."

At least 20 states and Guam have enacted bills addressing the issue of sexting and minors since 2009. All 50 states have laws in place to protect minors from exploitation through the distribution of sexually explicit images.

Police can confiscate family computers and cell phones when investigating your child’s involvement in a sexting case. Parents have ultimate responsibility for electronic use within the household, and can potentially be charged for damages caused by their minor child's involvement in distributing lewd images.

If your state doesn’t have a specific law about teen sexting, the case will fall under child pornography laws, and garner up to three potential felony charges.

• Possession of child pornography, even if your teen isn’t in the picture
• Distribution or sharing a photo, regardless of who is in the picture
• Promoting means taking the picture, even if the teen takes it of herself

The difficulty lies in drawing distinctions between a pedophile who trolls the internet for child pornography and the high school girl who sends a flirty nude shot to her boyfriend. Interpreting the law as strict violation of child pornography laws can land many teens in hot water, and jeopardize the rest of their lives.

Bottom line

If you have teens, you can’t have this conversation with them often enough. Don’t just talk about sexting once and let it go — the conversation needs to be ongoing. In this new modern age where every last little email and image lives in cyberspace, we need to help our teens develop a digital footprint they can be proud of, not live in fear of. The consequences of a split-second decision can be devastating for your teen.

For more information visit: http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/988263/what-parents-need-to-know-about-sexting-laws

An Internet Hoax Turned Fatal Draws Anger but No Charges

Remembering Megan Meier: Megan Meier was a 13-year-old girl who killed herself on October 17, 2006 as a result of cyber-bullying.  This article was published in November, 2007.

New York Times~DARDENNE PRAIRIE, Mo.— Megan Meier died believing that somewhere in this world lived a boy named Josh Evans who hated her. He was 16, owned a pet snake, and she thought he was the cutest boyfriend she ever had.

Peter Newcomb for The New York Times

Tina and Ron Meier with a photo of their daughter Megan, 13, who killed herself last year after an online romance ended.

Josh contacted Megan through her page on MySpace.com, the social networking Web site, said Megan’s mother, Tina Meier. They flirted for weeks, but only online — Josh said his family had no phone. On Oct. 15, 2006, Josh suddenly turned mean. He called Megan names, and later they traded insults for an hour.

The next day, in his final message, said Megan’s father, Ron Meier, Josh wrote, “The world would be a better place without you.”

Sobbing, Megan ran into her bedroom closet. Her mother found her there, hanging from a belt. She was 13.

Six weeks after Megan’s death, her parents learned that Josh Evans never existed. He was an online character created by Lori Drew, then 47, who lived four houses down the street in this rapidly growing community 35 miles northwest of St. Louis.

That an adult would plot such a cruel hoax against a 13-year-old girl has drawn outraged phone calls, e-mail messages and blog posts from around the world. Many people expressed anger because St. Charles County officials did not charge Ms. Drew with a crime.

But a St. Charles County Sheriff’s Department spokesman, Lt. Craig McGuire, said that what Ms. Drew did “might’ve been rude, it might’ve been immature, but it wasn’t illegal.”

In response to the events, the local Board of Aldermen on Wednesday unanimously passed a measure making Internet harassment a misdemeanor punishable by up to a $500 fine and 90 days in jail.

“Give me a break; that’s nothing,” Mayor Pam Fogarty said of the penalties. “But it’s the most we could do. People are saying to me, ‘Let’s go burn down their house.’”

St. Charles County’s prosecuting attorney, Jack Banas, said he was reviewing the case to determine whether anyone could be charged with a crime. State Representative Doug Funderburk, whose district includes Dardenne Prairie, said he was looking into the feasibility of introducing legislation to tighten restrictions against online harassment and fraud.

In seventh grade, Megan Meier had tried desperately to join the popular crowd at Fort Zumwalt West Middle School, only to be teased about her weight, her mother said. At the beginning of eighth grade last year, she transferred to Immaculate Conception, a nearby Catholic school. Within three months, Ms. Meier said, her daughter had a new group of friends, lost 20 pounds and joined the volleyball team.

At one time, Lori Drew’s daughter and Megan had been “joined at the hip,” said Megan’s great-aunt Vicki Dunn. But the two drifted apart, and when Megan changed schools she told the other girl that she no longer wanted to be friends, Ms. Meier said.

In a report filed with the Sheriff’s Department, Lori Drew said she created the MySpace profile of “Josh Evans” to win Megan’s trust and learn how Megan felt about her daughter. Reached at home, Lori’s husband, Curt Drew, said only that the family had no comment.

Because Ms. Drew had taken Megan on family vacations, she knew the girl had been prescribed antidepression medication, Ms. Meier said. She also knew that Megan had a MySpace page.

Ms. Drew had told a girl across the street about the hoax, said the girl’s mother, who requested anonymity to protect her daughter, a minor.

“Lori laughed about it,” the mother said, adding that Ms. Drew and Ms. Drew’s daughter “said they were going to mess with Megan.”

After a month of innocent flirtation between Megan and Josh, Ms. Meier said, Megan suddenly received a message from him saying, “I don’t like the way you treat your friends, and I don’t know if I want to be friends with you.”

They argued online. The next day other youngsters who had linked to Josh’s MySpace profile joined the increasingly bitter exchange and began sending profanity-laden messages to Megan, who retreated to her bedroom. No more than 15 minutes had passed, Ms. Meier recalled, when she suddenly felt something was terribly wrong. She rushed to the bedroom and found her daughter’s body hanging in the closet.

As paramedics worked to revive Megan, the neighbor who insisted on anonymity said, Lori Drew called the neighbor’s daughter and told her to “keep her mouth shut” about the MySpace page.

Six weeks later, at a meeting with the Meiers, mediated by grief counselors, the neighbor told them that “Josh” was a hoax. The Drews were not present.

“I just sat there in shock,” Mr. Meier said.

Shortly before Megan’s death, the Meiers had agreed to store a foosball table the Drews had bought as a Christmas surprise for their children. When the Meiers learned about the MySpace hoax, they attacked the table with a sledgehammer and an ax, Ms. Meier said, and threw the pieces onto the Drews’ driveway.

“I felt like such a fool,” Mr. Meier said. “I’m supposed to protect my family, and here I allowed these people to inject themselves into our lives.”

The police learned about the hoax when Ms. Drew filed a complaint about the damage to the foosball table. In the report, she stated that she felt the hoax “contributed to Megan’s suicide, but she did not feel ‘as guilty’ because at the funeral she found out Megan had tried to commit suicide before.”

Megan had mentioned suicide several times, her mother said, but had never attempted it, and no one who knew her, including her doctors, felt she was suicidal.

On the advice of F.B.I. agents who did not want the Drews to learn of their investigation of the hoax, Ms. Meier said, her family said nothing publicly about the case for a year. Today, the Meier and the Drew families continue to live four houses from one another on a winding suburban street.

“There are no words to explain my rage,” Ms. Meier said. “These people were supposed to be our friends.”

For more information on Megan visit the Megan Meier Foundation website at: http://www.meganmeierfoundation.org/megansStory.php

Teen Suicide~Facts for Families

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Suicides among young people continue to be a serious problem. Each year in the U.S., thousands of teenagers commit suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15-to-24-year-olds, and the sixth leading cause of death for 5-to-14-year-olds.

Teenagers experience strong feelings of stress, confusion, self-doubt, pressure to succeed, financial uncertainty, and other fears while growing up. For some teenagers, divorce, the formation of a new family with step-parents and step-siblings, or moving to a new community can be very unsettling and can intensify self-doubts. For some teens, suicide may appear to be a solution to their problems and stress.

Depression and suicidal feelings are treatable mental disorders. The child or adolescent needs to have his or her illnessrecognized and diagnosed, and appropriate treatment plans developed. When parents are in doubt whether their child has a serious problem, a psychiatric examination can be very helpful.

Many of the signs and symptoms of suicidal feelings are similar to those of depression.

Parents should be aware of the following signs of adolescents who may try to kill themselves:

• change in eating and sleeping habits
• withdrawal from friends, family, and regular activities
• violent actions, rebellious behavior, or running away
• drug and alcohol use
• unusual neglect of personal appearance
• marked personality change
• persistent boredom, difficulty concentrating, or a decline in the quality of schoolwork
• frequent complaints about physical symptoms, often related to emotions, such as stomachaches, headaches, fatigue, etc.
• loss of interest in pleasurable activities
• not tolerating praise or rewards

A teenager who is planning to commit suicide may also:

• complain of being a bad person or feeling rotten inside
• give verbal hints with statements such as: I won't be a problem for you much longer, Nothing matters, It's no use, and I won't see you again
• put his or her affairs in order, for example, give away favorite possessions, clean his or her room, throw away important belongings, etc.
• become suddenly cheerful after a period of depression
• have signs of psychosis (hallucinations or bizarre thoughts)

If a child or adolescent says, I want to kill myself, or I'm going to commit suicide, always take the statement seriously and immediately seek assistance from a qualified mental health professional. People often feel uncomfortable talking about death. However, asking the child or adolescent whether he or she is depressed or thinking about suicide can be helpful. Rather than putting thoughts in the child's head, such a question will provide assurance that somebody cares and will give the young person the chance to talk about problems.

If one or more of these signs occurs, parents need to talk to their child about their concerns and seek professional helpfrom a physician or a qualified mental health professional. With support from family and appropriate treatment, children and teenagers who are suicidal can heal and return to a more healthy path of development.

For more information visit: http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Teen_Suicide_10.aspx

Bipolar Disorder In Children And Teens

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Children and teenagers with Bipolar Disorder have manic and/or depressive symptoms. Some may have mostly depression and others a combination of manic and depressive symptoms. Highs may alternate with lows.

Manic symptoms include:

• severe changes in mood-either unusually happy or silly, or very irritable, angry, agitated or aggressive
• unrealistic highs in self-esteem - for example, a teenager who feels all powerful or like a superhero with special powers
• great increase in energy and the ability to go with little or no sleep for days without feeling tired
• increase in talking - the adolescent talks too much, too fast, changes topics too quickly, and cannot be interrupted
• distractibility - the teen's attention moves constantly from one thing to the next
• repeated high risk-taking behavior; such as, abusing alcohol and drugs, reckless driving, or sexual promiscuity

Depressive symptoms include:

• irritability, depressed mood, persistent sadness, frequent crying
• thoughts of death or suicide
• loss of enjoyment in favorite activities
• frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches or stomach aches
• low energy level, fatigue, poor concentration, complaints of boredom
• major change in eating or sleeping patterns, such as oversleeping or overeating

Some of these signs are similar to those that occur in teenagers with other problems such as drug abuse, delinquency, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or even schizophrenia.

Research has improved the ability to diagnose Bipolar Disorder in children and teens. Bipolar Disorder can begin in childhood and during the teenage years, although it is usually diagnosed in adult life. The illness can affect anyone. However, if one or both parents have Bipolar Disorder, the chances are greater that their children may develop the disorder. Family history of drug or alcohol abuse also may be associated with greater risk for Bipolar Disorder.

Teenagers with Bipolar Disorder can be effectively treated. Treatment for Bipolar Disorder usually includes education of the patient and the family about the illness, mood stabilizing medications such as lithium, valproic acid, or ” atypical antipsychotic”, and psychotherapy. Mood stabilizing medications often reduce the number and severity of manic episodes, and also help to prevent depression. Psychotherapy helps the child understand himself or herself, adapt to stresses, rebuild self-esteem and improve relationships.

The diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in children and teens is complex and involves careful observation over an extended period of time. A thorough evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist identify Bipolar Disorder and start treatment.

Visit AACAP's Bipolar Disorder Resource Center.

For more information visit:http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/Facts_for_Families_Pages/Bipolar_Disorder_In_Children_And_Teens_38.aspx

Sexualization of Young Children Linked to Eating Disorder Development

By Colleen Perry

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the state of California

Huffington Post~As early exposure to themes of sex becomes the norm, children of younger ages are expressing discontent with their physical appearance. Results from a recent survey suggest that children rank body image among the highest of their concerns, above both self-confidence and social life. Recent research also suggests that nearly 50 percent of females between ages 11 and 16 would consider cosmetic surgery to improve their appearance.

These findings have striking implications about the factors comprising young children's self-image and esteem. Eating disorders are now presenting in children as young as 6 years old, with dieting becoming more common among those under the age of 10.

Such ardent focus on physical appearance also comes in response to overly-sexualized messages from the media. Stars considered favorites among youth (i.e. Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens) have received much press for exploiting their bodies on stage or through images leaked on the Internet.

The media also speaks to the import of sexuality and attractiveness among youth through TV shows such as "Toddlers and Tiaras." In this week's most recent episode, 6-year-old beauty pageant star, Eden Wood, can be seen on stage gyrating her pelvis like a professional stripper during the "talent" portion of the pageant. The message that it is important to be sexy is clear, even if you still have your baby teeth!

Actress Gina Davis, is engaging law makers like Sen. Kay Hagan, D-N.C., and Rep. Tammy Baldwin, D-Wisc., to support a bill called the "Healthy Media for Youth Act." Ms. Davis believes that the more hours of television a girl watches the fewer options she believes she has in life. "Of the female characters that were there, the vast majority ... were either highly stereotyped or were serving mainly as eye candy. So the concern was clear, what message does this send to young children about the value of girls?" Ms. Davis said.

Girls, more often than boys, recieve the message at an early age that in order to be valued, they must look attractive. Attractiveness in our culture requires one to be thin and to appear sexy. This form of validation is externally driven, which leads young girls to believe that their value lies in the judgements of "others." Their internal sense of self is not developed adequately, which in many cases, leads to the eating disorder behaviors.

As a psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders, I am often asked what motivates me to treat this often misunderstood and life threatening disorder. My goal is to help teenagers and young women navigate their way through our culture which, I believe, diminishes the value of women and all of our gifts. We are bombarded with images of unrealistic beauty. Often we are taught to value the feelings and needs of others before our own, restricting our voices and distilling our spirits into a pretty package. I envision a world where women feel joyful about living their lives knowing their beauty and power lies within them.

For more information visit: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/colleen-perry/sexualization-young-girls-eating-disorders_b_906192.html

Coping with the Shock of Intrafamilial Sexual Abuse

What Is Intrafamilial Sexual Abuse? 
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network~Intrafamilial sexual abuse means sexual abuse that occurs within the family. In this form of abuse, a family member involves a child in (or exposes a child to) sexual behaviors or activities. The “family member” may not be a blood relative, but could be someone who is considered “part of the family,” such as a godparent or very close friend. 

The discovery that someone you love and trust has sexually abused your child is extremely stressful and can bring up intense feelings of shock, rage, confusion, denial, disbelief, and guilt. Dealing with these reactions—and helping your child recover from the abuse—requires time, strength, and support from your extended family, your community, and from professionals in law enforcement, child protection, and mental health services. Although it may be difficult, it is important to notify law enforcement if your child discloses sexual abuse. This is an important step in keeping your child safe. 

Facing the reality of intrafamilial sexual abuse can be painful. But by ending the secrecy surrounding sexual abuse, you can help your family to heal and protect and nurture your child so that he or she can grow into a healthy, successful adult. 

The Effect of Intrafamilial Sexual Abuse on Children 
When children are abused by adults who are supposed to protect them from harm, their ability to trust and rely on adults may be shattered. Knowing that the abuser is liked—or even loved—by other family members makes it all the more difficult for children to tell others about the abuse. 

Children who have been abused by a family member are more likely to blame themselves for the abuse than those who are abused by someone outside the family unit. This is particularly true of older children, who may be all too aware of the effect that disclosing the abuse will have on other family members. 
       

Did you know? 

More than half of all children who are sexually abused are abused by a parent or other relative. As a result, it can take victims of intrafamilial sexual abuse weeks, months, or longer to let anyone know that they’ve been abused, and even longer to reveal all the details. 

After disclosing, children and adolescents who have been sexually abused by a family member are often tormented by self doubt, self blame, fear of the abuser, and distress over what their disclosure has done to the family. Sometimes, in a desperate attempt to make everything better in the family, they may change their story or even deny that the abuse occurred. 

Recanting, or “taking back” the disclosure is common and does not mean that children were lying about the abuse. When the abuse is caused by a family member, children may feel pressure to recant because of how the disclosure is affecting the family or because of a lack of family support. 

Seeking help from a counselor who specializes in child sexual abuse can help your child and your family to cope with what has happened. Counseling can reduce the stress and other effects of sexual abuse on your child and your family. With the proper help, your child and the family can overcome and heal from the abuse that has occurred. 

It can take victims of intrafamilial sexual abuse weeks, months, or longer to let anyone know that they’ve been abused. 

Cultural Challenges 
Virtually every culture has spoken and unspoken rules about sex and sexuality. These rules can make it even more difficult for children to ask for help when they have been abused 
For example, in cultures that place a high value on female virginity, a girl who has been sexually abused may feel that she has been disgraced and is now “damaged goods” whom no one would want to marry. This can lead to feelings of shame that in turn lead to further secrecy. 

Boys who have been sexually abused may experience shame and self-doubt. Boys who have been sexually abused by a male may struggle with a commonly-held misconception that this makes them gay. 

Although your cultural beliefs are important, it is necessary to focus on the physical and emotional health of your child. Remember that the sexual abuse is not your fault and does not reflect negatively on your family or you as a parent. Seek guidance from people in your community that you trust, such as religious leaders, medical professionals, or others who will be supportive.

The Effect of Intrafamilial Sexual Abuse 
on the Family 
Sexual abuse of a child by a trusted adult also puts tremendous strain on relationships within the family. Some family members may find it hard to believe the abuser could do such a thing, and take sides (or feel pressured to take sides) over who is telling the truth. Family members may also struggle with how to manage their divided loyalties toward the abuser and the victim. Even in families that accept that the abuse occurred, reactions to the abuser may run the gamut from “lock him up and throw away the key” to “hate the sin but love the sinner.” Tensions may arise when different family members have different opinions about loyalty, fairness, justice, forgiveness, and responsibility. 


If you are a mother whose child has been abused by a spouse or boyfriend, it can take a great deal of courage to stand up for your child. Some of the challenges you may face include: 

• Dealing with family members who don’t believe the abuse occurred or who continue to maintain their relationship with the abuser 
• The possibility of economic hardship if you are financially dependent on the abuser
• Possible loss of friends and acquaintances when they learn your partner is a child abuser 
• Making sense of conflicting advice from friends, family, or religious leaders—who may think you should forgive the perpetrator—and child protection and legal authorities who expect you to end your involvement with the perpetrator 

For many mothers, the greatest challenge is dealing with their own reactions to the child’s disclosure. If your child tells you that he or she has been sexually abused, your response can play a powerful role in his or her process of healing from the abuse. 

Coping with Your Own Reactions 
Your initial reactions to the disclosure of sexual abuse by a family member may include shock, rage, confusion, denial, and disbelief. If you yourself were a victim of sexual abuse as a child, the disclosure may stir up even stronger reactions and confusion 

Do not be surprised if you go through a painful period of doubting your child, particularly if the abuser is someone you love or depend on, such as a spouse, boyfriend, or grandparent. Because the abuser is almost certain to deny the abuse, you may find yourself in the difficult position of having to decide which family member is telling the truth, and having to weigh the consequences of believing one over the other.

For many parents, it is relatively easy to believe that abuse has occurred when the victim is a very young child. But when the victim is an adolescent, many parents find themselves doubting the truth of what their child has told them. 

Adolescence is a rocky time for parents and children alike, when tensions run high and tempers flare. Sadly, adolescents who have been sexually abused are even more likely to exhibit the kinds of behavior problems that lead to tension, resentment, and miscommunication. 

If your child is an adolescent, you may find yourself wondering if he or she was in some way responsible for the abuse. You may wonder whether he or she could have resisted, or question why it took so long for him or her to tell you. If your child disclosed the abuse to someone else—such as a teacher or friend— you may also be dealing with feelings of confusion, anger, and guilt about his or her not confiding in you. And if the abuser is your spouse or partner, you may even find yourself feeling betrayed, as if your 
partner and child were “cheating” on you. 

Echoes of Past Pain For much of human history, children who revealed sexual abuse were rarely believed or supported. Children who disclosed abuse faced negative reactions ranging from being told to keep quiet—or forget— about the abuse to being berated and punished for “telling lies.” In addition to suffering from the effects of the abuse itself, such children grew up feeling betrayed and abandoned by the people who should have protected them. If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse, the discovery that your own child has been abused—especially by a family member—can bring up a host of painful and unresolved feelings and memories. Getting help for yourself is an important part of being able to provide support for your child. You can contact the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) at 1-800-656- HOPE or http://www.rainn.org for help in finding support in your area 

As painful as these reactions can be, they are not unusual, and working through your doubts and fears will be critical not only to your child’s recovery, but to your own. 

It is important to remember that power takes many forms, and that your adolescent may have felt coerced in ways that were not directly physical. 

For example, if your partner is in a position of power and has control over financial resources, over disciplining the adolescent, and over your attitude and reactions to your child, your child may have been afraid that rejecting sexual advances or fighting back would only cause more problems in the family. In fact, many perpetrators “buy” their victims’ silence through veiled or overt threats of all the bad things that could happen if their victims disclose the abuse. 

Don’t let your natural and understandable feelings of confusion and doubt override the fact that the perpetrator is always at fault. If, in the heat of your own pain and distress, you accuse your adolescent of betrayal instead of acknowledging that your child was the victim, he or she may begin to experience dangerous—and potentially damaging—self-doubt. 

This can be particularly devastating if he or she experienced normal sexual arousal during the abuse, even though it was unwanted and forced. This is not unusual and should not be taken as evidence that the adolescent “wanted” or was seeking out the abuse. 

If you are struggling with feelings of anger or betrayal towards your abused child or teen, ask yourself: “What would it take for me to 1) believe my child, 2) not be angry at my child, and 3) not feel betrayed by my child?” 
The answer is often revealing. For many parents: 

• Believing your child means facing the fact that a person you have trusted and loved has betrayed, lied to, and used you and your child 
• Letting go of anger means redirecting your anger away from your child and towards the person who perpetrated the abuse 
• Letting go of feeling betrayed means recognizing the real source of the betrayal—the perpetrator. To move forward, you will need to accept that much of what you believed about this person was not true. By letting go of old beliefs, you can help your child—who has also been betrayed—to heal more fully 

Even parents who believe their child from the start may struggle with guilt at not having been able to prevent the abuse, or not realizing that something was wrong before the child told. In such cases, it is helpful to remember that even though hindsight is 20/20, none of us have the power to read minds 
or predict the future. Many of the “clues” that seem clear when looking back are nonspecific behaviors (for example, increased irritability, poor sleep, etc.) that even a mental health professional may not have recognized as signs that the child was being sexually abused. 

One Family’s Story Christina was a 12-year-old girl whose father, Michael, had been sexually abusing her for more than a year. One night, a neighbor called the police to report a violent argument between Christina’s parents. When the police and Child Protective Services representative interviewed Christina, she told them what Michael had been doing to her and was removed from the home. At first, Christina’s mother, Joanna, did not support or believe her daughter. Joanna was financially dependent on her husband and terrified of his violent temper. A recent immigrant, she had no family in the States, and was embarrassed to talk about Michael’s behavior with her few friends. When Michael had been violent with her in the past, Joanna had always told herself that it was because she was not a good enough wife, but that he was a good father and could be trusted with their daughter. It took Joanna several months to recognize that she was a victim of domestic violence, and to accept that her daughter had indeed been sexually abused. 

The hardest part for Joanna was to realize just how wrong she had been and to let go of her illusions about Michael. It was crucial for Joanna to receive help that would allow her to understand that the problem lay with Michael, not with her. Once she could acknowledge this, she was able to believe her daughter, and to begin healing from her own experience of abuse. Only then could Christina and Joanna restore the trust in their mother-daughter relationship. 

Moving Forward 

Non-offending parents are the single most important resource 
that children have after they have experienced intrafamilial abuse.
As hard as it may be to report sexual abuse that has been perpetrated by a family member, this is the best thing you can 
do to help your entire family heal, including the person who perpetrated the abuse. If you are not sure who to contact, call the ChildHelp® National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453; http://www.childhelp.org/get_help). 

Effective treatment is available to help you and your child move forward—together—towards a happy and healthy future.4,5 
Children can recover from sexual abuse, with the help of protective, supportive parents. For more information on treatment options, see The National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s video, The Promise of Trauma-Focused Treatment for Child Sexual Abuse, available at http://www.nctsn.org/nccts/asset.do?id=1151&video=true. 

Many communities have local Children’s Advocacy Centers (CACs) that offer coordinated support and services to victims of child abuse, including sexual abuse. For a state-by-state listing of accredited CACs, visit the website of the National Children’s Alliance (http://www.nca-online.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=3999). 

References 
1. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration on Children Youth and Families. (2007). Child Maltreatment 2005. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office. 
2. London, K., Bruck, M., Ceci, S.J., & Shuman, D.W. (2005). Disclosure of child sexual abuse: What does the research tell 
us about the ways that children tell? Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 11 (1), 194–226. 
3. Deblinger, E., Lippmann, J., Steer, R. (1996). Sexually abused children suffering posttraumatic stress symptoms: Initial treatment outcome findings. Child Maltreatment, 1 (4), 310-321. 
4. Cohen, J.A., Mannarino, A.P., Deblinger, E. (2006). Treating trauma and traumatic grief in children and adolescents. New York: Guilford Press. 
5. Deblinger, E., Stauffer, A.H. (1996). Treating sexually abused children and their non-offending parents: A cognitive-behavioral approach. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. 

For more information visit: http://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/intrafamilialabuse.pdf